I'm Not a Girl

Went to a Karaoke bar with my friend Coffee

In a small New England hick and junkie town

We mesmerized the crowd with our rendition of “I Touch Myself”

Ordered up a couple bottles and sat down

There was this older guy sitting way across the bar

He was giving me a weird obnoxious stare

And I couldn't really tell if he wanted to kick my ass

Or if he just thought he knew me from somewhere

(musical interlude of doom)

He finally stumbled over (and) told us 'bout his catholic mother

We could tеll he'd had a drink or twenty-three

So when hе called me "her" I just assumed it was a tongue slip

That was courtesy of Mister Jackie D

Coffee let the dam break and let loose a tide of bullshit

'Bout his altar boy indiscretions back in the day

The guy just nodded drunkenly and put his arm around me

And said "Where'd you meet this big girl anyway?"

My stunned brain regressed to Grover teaching me 'bout "near" and "far"

And the latter seemed quite preferable to staying in this bar

So I deftly ducked and covered from the boozing loser's grasp

Wished him luck on his ambiguity and started hauling ass

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

If long hair's all it takes to fool you

Then you must have skipped biology, avoided sociology

And probably bypassed puberty too

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

Have you ever seen a female anyhow?

Cuz if women looked like me, I think the porno industry

Would be filing for bankruptcy by now

I'm not a girl!

I was at a drive-thru shouting product names at a speaker

(yelled) "Just a value chicken sandwich and two pies"

(distorted response "Thank you drive through")

And an Oxy-basted numbskull in a giant NASA headset

Said "Here you go, a large coke and large fries."

I shook my head politely and I restated my order

And he looked at me as if this was a scam

He re-studied his order screen, re-held the foodstuffs out to me

And shrugged and muttered "That's what it says, ma'am."

Was I s'posed to just accept my lot, and take the proffered swill?

For the Mighty Screen hath spoken, who am I to doubt its will?

I just told him "I don't give a fuck what's on your CRT

"Can you even read it anyway when you can't even see

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

How the holy hell can't you see that?

Sure my chest has got some perk, that don't mean my nipples work

I can't lactate, buddy, I'm just fat!

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

Don't you know about the birds and bees?

What in God's name must I do, just to get this through to you?

Should I walk around with my pants around my knees?

I'm not a girl!

My build is not petite, I've got awkward hanging meat

I can wipe myself any way I choose

I don't need no medication to inhibit procreation

And I don't listen to Dave Matthews

I get no joy from shoppin’ and you won’t catch me she-boppin’

Though I’m turnin’ Japanese most every night (I really think so!)

When my sub-torso region’s ill, I buy Cruex not Vagisil

To alleviate the evil fungal blight (All Right) (All Right)

I was stuck in K-Mart while my wife was trying clothes on

Which is oftentimes a fate worse than a briss

When I heard a hobbling 80something woman from behind me

In a nasal voice say "Miss? Excuse me, miss?"

I turned around and gave the bitch a look that could melt a poodle

In the hope that this would make my gender clear

Undeterred she gave me that impatient retail shopper look

And said "Excuse me miss, do you work here?"

What drugs does Medicare provide to make one think that it's the norm

For a Dead Kennedys shirt and jeans to be a K-Mart uniform?

As confusion turned to anger and I felt the bile flow

I let loose a veangeful mad retort, the gist of which was...

"Um...no."

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

Don't you dare make me whip out my gland

I don't hang with my friends in malls, I've never played with Barbie dolls

'Least not without a lighter in my hand

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

I'm bitchy but it isn't PMS

Not a teardrop did I show, when they drowned DiCaprio

I was still thinking 'bout Kate Winslet's breasts

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

You'll seldom see me wearing pantyhose

Go ahead an x-ray me, you won't find one ovary

If Oprah likes a book, I know it blows

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

I'm not a girl (I'm not a girl)

...

(fade out eventually)