Dick Jokes

Ah, the wind's just right for dick jokes. Here we go.

You ever wake up with an erection, roll over and think you broke your dick? Anybody?

I want it back. It's 'touch and go' here in Denver! 'Touch and go'!

Women have all the power. You know why? 'cause women have all the vaginas. They do. And the vagina's like its own little person, isn't it? It has a time of the month, like it works for the government and... everything affects it. The moon, the tide, kittens, balloon rides, Dave Matthews in concert.

What really affects the penis? Whiskey and pepper spray, that's about it.

Premature ejaculation. Let's talk about it.

Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, '[uncomfortably] Oh, God! This has never happened before!' Wanna listen to some CD's? How about a back rub?

If that ever happens, fellas, you gotta say something. Do what I do. Stare into her eyes or the back of her neck and go, 'To be continued.'

Mmm. You ever spoon your girl? You know what I'm saying? Late at night, just spoon her? Rubbing your hard cock up against that 16-year-old ass? Anybody? Sorry. Sorry, I thought this was Alabama.

And what does your lady say? 'It's late! I'm trying to get some sleep!'

So you're a gentleman. You wait for the next day, right? The sun comes up and so does your prick 'cause at heart, your dick's a farmer? Round two.

Now, what does she say? 'It's very early! I just got up! I haven't put my glitter and nose ring on!' That's my fantasy.

'Too early'? 'Too late'? Well, when does the vagina open around here? Does it ever go from Egg McMuffin to Burger? What's going on down there?

There's a lot of sexual things I've never done, like two women at once. I've never done that. Two women at once. I have slept with a woman who weighs as much as two women though!

[sings beginning of "Entry of the Gladiators"]