Grocery Robots

Robots

Robots work in my grocery store now, they do

You know how a grocery store works?

You bring your items up, and the checkout clerk grabs them

And they wave 'em over a laser beam

And the laser beam adds 'em up

You pay the clerk, they put your food in a bag

You take your bag out to the car

Well, with the new grocery robots, you bring the food up to the robot

You wave the food over the laser beam, you pay the robot

You put the food in the bag, and you take the bag out to your car

Because my grocery store got all of my letters

Where I said, "I wanna be a checkout clerk," so

And by the way, the grocery robots

Are not zipping around the store booping and beeping

They are cemented to the ground, they don't leave the store

And good for them, because there's bad-ass robots out in the world

These guys would be the prison punks of the robot world

They'd be at the bottom of the ladder

It's like, "What kind of robot are you?" It's like, "I'm a drone plane

I drop bombs over enemy countries, like, "Wow, that's awesome"

What kind of robot are you?

I weld the sides onto aircraft carriers

Holy shit! What kind of robot are you?

I know how much kumquats cost, punch

So they are safe in the supermarket

The first time I saw them

I had my card, I was like, "What the hell?"

I didn't know what they were

And then a, a checkout woman swooped up

And said, "Do you wanna know how this works?"

Which broke my heart

She's already working as a checkout clerk

And then she came into work that day

And the manager said, "Today your job includes

Introducing the public to the robots

That are putting you on the street, make sure to do that"

And then my heart broke even worse when she explained how it works

I was like, "Yeah, how does this work?"

And she said, "Okay, here's how this works

First, I got pregnant in high school

Then my baby's daddy decided not to leave his wife

But he did stop being my guidance counselor

So, none of my transcripts went to colleges"

Now, I'm gonna take you

Through the next 11 years in eight seconds, ready?

Meth, meth, meth

Biker boyfriend, dead cop, technicality

Rehab, Jesus, pharmacy assistant

Meth checkout clerk

Then wave your food over this laser beam, and place it in the bag

Do you have any meth? No

Then we'll end on place your food in this bag

That's how this works