Erectile Dysfunction & Dieting Tips

Uh, my wife and I took a tour bus into town

And my wife had never been to Washington, D.C. before

And we were crossing the Potomac, and she said, what's that building?

And I said, well, it was a Hooters during the Clinton administration

Then they turned it back into the Lincoln Memorial

And now it's a Cracker Barrel, so welcome

I almost got ran over today by a mobile paper shredding unit

I'm in Georgetown, they got them on every street

These gigantic evidence getter-ritter-rubbers

Can you call them up if you got a body you don't need around?

My wife had been in Europe for three weeks

And she left two days after Valentine's Day

And for Valentine's Day, I was going to take her to see Brokeback Mountain

And it was sold out, so we're going to go see it tomorrow

And Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal are both

Amazing actors, and if you've seen the movie, don't ruin it for me

I don't want to know which one plays the sheep

In fact, I'm actually writing a movie right now

About my recent 'bout with erectile dysfunction

Called Broke Dick Fountain

I'm getting ready to film this movie

Everybody's like, you've got to go on a diet, man

You've got to lose some weight, you've got to look better

You got be tenner, you got to look better

I might look fairer, I'm 50 years old

Let me drinking like a fish for 30 years, what do you want?

I've been on this diet, man, I'm getting dieting tips from skinny people

My mother weighs 80 pounds, here is her tip

Drink a lot of water, you'll be less hungry

You know what happens if you drink a lot of water?

You will be less thirsty

Just as I suspected would be the case

I still look okay sometimes because I wear really expensive suits

And if you drape 5,000 dollar worth of clothes over a pile of crap

It looks all right, look bad naked, though

Ain't no hiding that, is there?

The only person that knows what I look like naked right now

Which is the worst I've ever looked, is my wife

And she has to have sex with me, and she makes me wear the suit

I cut a little hole right here, I come in low under the radar