Shaved Pubes

What? Have I ever shaved my pubes? Interesting question.

I have shaved my pubes. Not 'cause I wanted to. I was involved in a horrible gum accident. Had to work a little frontier medicine.

Fellas, if you shave your pubes, you better shave your whole body. 'cause nothing looks weirder than a hairy gut, hairy legs, nothing in between. It looks like a garbage fire broke out on your nutsack.

I had a hernia operation. When you have a hernia, they shave your pubes for you. Yeah. They shaved mine halfway. Like my insurance ran out halfway through the operation. Which is cool, 'cause now I can play 'Good Penis, Bad Penis'.

Whenever you have a hernia, people wanna know, 'How'd you do it, man? How did you do it? Were you lifting? Were you helping people move?' And that's how you can get a hernia. Did you know you can also get one by trying to take a shit really quickly? Yup! No one ever tells that story. Until right now.

I'm sitting on the can. You know? In my own fantasy world. Cleaning my ears, clipping my nose hairs, drinking coffee. I like to involve all my holes while I'm in there.

All of a sudden, I hear the music to The Simpsons coming on in the other room. So I know I've got about eight seconds, you know? So I start pushing, balls in the water, left leg shaking. I'm up on one cheek trying to Dukes of Hazzard it out of me. Then I feel a tug.

Next thing I know, I'm on the ground doing a Marine crawl over to my first aid kit. My dog comes over and starts licking my ass thinking we're playing!