Johnny Depp And The Electric Razor Ad

I am, I'm a bad actor 'cause I can never remember dialogue

You're saying, "No way!

Your act seems so structured and well-rehearsed

I find that hard to believe

You'd have a problem with memorizing dialogue," but I do

And I, I had a tiny part in this movie "Blow"

Where I played drug dealer number two

Why, thank you

I am still mad at the Academy that I did not get a nomination

I was driving my daughter to school

And she was helping me memorize the dialogue

She's like, "Go, Dad"

I'm like, "Where did you get this coke? It's really strong"

My daughter's like, "Not even close

It says, 'Fuck me running, where the fuck did you get this shit?

This is some strong motherfucking blow'"

Thanks, honey

Like, "No problem, Dad

Try it again, don't fuck it up, alright?"

I go, "Alright, alright"

You know what? You need to relax

Don't judge me, she's not a baby, she's eight

Not really, my daughter's 16

I wish I swore around her when she was eight

'Cause I would have fucking Ozzy's money now

My daughter's 16, her and I were watching this TV commercial

Where they have an electric razor with a shave cream in it

Like, like the shave dispenser's inside the razor

Like, who the fuck is this for?

Like, how lazy do you gotta be?

Well, I like shave cream

But I don't have that kind of time in my busy day

To reach over, push down on the can

Then spread it around my face

If only there was a more expedient way to get shave cream in my face

So I'm watching this commercial and the shit doesn't even spray out

My daughter's with me, they push the button and it just goes

And my daughter goes, "Looks like cum"

Ah, ah, la-la-la

Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

And I'm thinking, "Oh, best case scenario

She saw a porno movie, that's the best case scenario"

I'm like, "What's the correct parental response

In such an uncomfortable situation?"

And I go, "Uh, good one"

She said, "Don't tell that on stage"

I said, "I won't, God

Why would I violate your trust?

And if this makes it onto the album

Fucking lighten up, alright? It's paying for your private school"

I was talking about that movie "Blow"

My scene was with Johnny Depp and Paul Reubens

Pee-wee Herman (whoo! Yeah)

And, uh, I really said this, I go

"Is anybody in this scene not on probation?"

We were the community service players

It was like, "Action, ehn-ehn-ehn-ehn-ehn, cut!

Someone's leg bracelet keeps going off"

Johnny Depp goes, "What did you do?"

I go, "I set The Tonight Show on fire"

He's like, "Oh, yeah, I remember that"

I go, "You smashed up that hotel in New York"

He goes, "Yeah," this is a true story

Then we look at Paul Reubens, we go

"Yeah, anyhow"

Like, Paul kinda acted like he didn't hear what we were talking about

He really did, he was just going, "Da-da-da-da"

That Johnny Depp, whoa, mother of pearl

What a good-looking man

I'm a heterosexual, I would fuck him in a heartbeat

And you would too

If the choice was him or Rosie O'Donnell

That'd be the quickest goddamn decision you ever made in your life

I might wanna cut that out of the album

I don't want Johnny Depp like

"What was this joke about wanting to fuck me?"

It's just a joke