attention! breaking news

Attention!

Breaking news

The world is getting worse and you are too (yeah)

Attention!

Breaking news

The cats are all gone so is the color blue (yes)

Attention!

Breaking news

You just got gum stuck to both of your shoes (yeah)

Attention!

Breaking news

Over half of the time you will always lose

New research says you annoy all of your friends

You're behind on the latest collectible trends

All the trees burned down

There are no more trees

The sky is turning purple

And the kids are catching fleas

Now, for tonight's top story

Theme Park Terror strikes at Freedom Kingdom

The animatronic Abraham Lincoln from the Presidential Log Ride

Has reportedly escaped the park

Police are reporting that the android removed the rubber faces

From the rest of the animatronic presidents

And was last seen boarding a shuttle headed off-world

Officials are warning all citizens of neighboring planets

To report any suspicious activity

The android is presumed armed and dangerous