Dear Abby

About uh, about three months ago, I was in, uh

I was in Rome, Italy

I don't know what I was doing there

I was just there, uh

I got this sandwich one day

And they uh, gave me a newspaper with it

It was the only newspaper they had there

That was in English, and uh

They had all the news from all around the world

Just crammed into four pages

Didn't even have any funnies in there, you know

Every time you turned a page something

Just jumped right out at you, you know

So I found an old friend in there, and I wrote her a song

This is for, dear Abby

Dear Abby, dear Abby

My feet are too long

My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong

My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all

Won't you write me a letter, won't you give me a call?

Signed bewildered

Bewildered, bewildered

You have no complaint

You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't

So listen up buster, and listen up good

Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear Abby, dear Abby

My fountain pen leaks

My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks

Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed

If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead

Signed unhappy

Unhappy, unhappy

You have no complaint

You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't

So listen up buster, and listen up good

Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear Abby, dear Abby

You won't believe this

But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss

My girlfriend tells me it's all in my head

But my stomach tells me to write you instead

Signed noise-maker

Noise-maker, noise-maker

You have no complaint

You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't

So listen up buster, and listen up good

Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear Abby, dear Abby

Well I never thought

That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught

We were sitting in the backseat just shooting the breeze

With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees

Signed just married

Just married, just married

You have no complaint

You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't

So listen up buster, and listen up good

Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Signed, dear Abby