The Masturbation Song

We were hoodlums, just some Muslims, in the year of '88

Me and my buddy Brian were way under age

I was a shifty little mister just watch me drift between the cliques

No one had me like my family it was kinda the pits

So I take it out on others anyone beneath my status

Making fun of making of? made me think I was a badass

wasn't even a nerd,

I'd sit with Bri and his boys

I felt kinda included

I was so overjoyed

No one liked me and I know junior high was a mess

So I played king's quest where you go and you fence

Playground was a place where I should have got punched

but I never learned my lesson cause no one noticed me much.

Cept Brian he was funny and we shared every class

Can't explain it just somehow I knew that it wouldn't last

had me over Friday night to watch porn at his dad's

that's when he called me out for jerkin' off in my sleepin' bag.

Brian told his friends and the word soon spread

my freshmen year at Brainnerd and I was better off dead

Everybody knew even that nerd named Kramer

he'd made fun of me in the locker room I couldn't be lamer

do you jerk off do you beat off? yo, that's all I ever heard

If you can't control your penis maybe you should go to church

so let's persecute the perv, make him think he acts alone

like they're not all running home to grab onto their bone

but they convinced me i was stupid, so i'd do it with guilt

that's how i was raised, and what the catholic church dealt

my behavior was a bum, i wish i knew it was a blessin

couldn't keep myself from messin, never considered confessing

just kept it on the low, while the lunchroom laughed

but at my expense, i had no friends, i felt trapped

but i guess i had it coming after how i behaved

let that be a lesson, one i'll take to my grave