Love Is…(live)

So this next song is about love, appropriately

I love you like kings love queens

Like a gay geneticist loves designer jeans

I need you like New Orleans needs a drought

Like Hitler's father needed to learn to pull out

And I want you, yeah, like a lawyer slash mathematician wants some kind of proof

And I want you, yeah, like JFK wanted a car with a roof

Because love is taking that dive

Then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool

And love is real life porn minus all the stuff that makes porn cool

And love is a homeless guy searching for treasure in the middle of the rain

Finding a bag of gold coins and slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate

And even though he's heartbroken, he can't complain because he was hungry in the first place

Because I love you like Dora loves maps

Like the Pope's toilet loves holy craps

That's a little one

I need you like a voyeur needs a branch

Like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of Neverland Ranch

And I want you, yeah, like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same never want to conform

And I want you like Anne Frank wanted nobody to read her fucking diary

Because a diary is a collection of secret things no one's supposed to read

That's the whole point of a diary

Millions of people to breach this little girl's privacy after she was chased by Nazis

Kick her while she's down

And if we met in 10,000 BC, I was your caveman, you's my cave lady

If we got hot, we'd start rubbing

If we got hungry, we'd go clubbing

There's woolly mammoths, but I will protect us

You're making me devolve to a Homo erectus, motherfucker

And if we met in 1780, I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner

And you were my dark-skinned servant lady

Slave

Whenever I could get away from the missus, I'd go to your shed and then I'd steal you kisses

But let's be serious, I'd still work you full time as a slave

There's a difference between romantic language and a complete disregard for socio-economic trends

And if we met in 1941, I was a Nazi, you's a gypsy on the run

That's a little redundant

That probably wouldn't have worked out

Because love is your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch, and dinner

And love is the holocaust if you don't die quick and you don't get thinner

And love is being the owner of the company that makes rape whistles

And even though you started the company with good intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape

Now you don't want to reduce it at all

Because if the rate of rape declines, you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales

Without Rapefist, who's gonna buy your whistles?

And love is all about

Whistles

Thank you

That one was a bit vulgar, but you know

Dixon vaginas are sort of like Coke and Pepsi, you know?

I strongly prefer one, but my dad thinks they taste the same

Okay, thanks