Flash, Bang, Wallop!

(I am smiling)

All lined up in a wedding group

'Ere we are for a photograph

We're all dressed up in a morning suit

All trying hard not to laugh

Since the early caveman in his fur

Took a trip to Gretna Green

There's always been a photographer

To record the 'appy scene

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture

What a picture, what a photograph

Poor old soul, blimey, what a joke

Hat blown off in a cloud of smoke

Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet

Bangin' on the big bass drum

What a picture, what a picture

Um-tiddly-um-pum-um-pum-pum

Stick it in your fam'ly album

(Thanks very much, one more picture. Hold it!)

The same thing 'appened long ago

When man was in his prime

And what went on we only know

From the snaps he took at the time

When Adam and Eve in their birthday suit

Decided to get wed

As Adam was about to taste the fruit

The man with the cam'ra said

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture

What a picture, what a photograph

Poor old Eve, there with nothing on

Face all red and 'er fig leaf gone

Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet

Bangin' on the big bass drum, W-e-e-a-ay!

What a picture, what a picture

Um-tiddly-um-pum-um-pum-pum

Stick it in your fam'ly album

(Thanks very much. One more picture, hold it!)

You've read it in a folio

Or seen it in a Shakespeare play

How Juliet fell for Romeo

In the merry month of May

And as 'e climbed the orchard wall

To reach 'is lady fair

As he tumbled, she began to bawl

As he floated through the air

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture

What a picture, what a photograph

Poor young chap, what a night 'e spent

Tights all torn and 'is rapier bent

Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet

Bangin' on the big bass drum, W-e-e-a-ay!

What a picture, what apicture

Um-tiddly-um-pum-um-pum-pum

Stick it in your fam'ly album

(One more picture, hold it!)

King 'Enry the Eighth had several wives

Including Anne Boleyn

And he kept an album of their lives

With all their photos in

As Anne Boleyn was on her knees

Dressed in her very best frock

King 'Enry shouted, "Smile, Dear, please"

As 'er 'ead rolled off the block

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture

What a picture, what a photograph

Comes the print in a little while

Lost 'er 'ead, but she kept 'er smile

Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet, Ye-e-a-y!

Bangin' on the big bass drum

What a picture, what a picture

Um-tiddly-um-pum-um-pum-pum

Stick it in your fam'ly album

(Thank you very much. One more picture, hold it!)

When Napoleon married Josephine

There was just the same to-do

He galloped home from the battle scene

All the way from Waterloo

And as he came from orf 'is 'orse

To the boudoir where she sat

She said to 'im, in French of course

As he took of his big cocked 'at

'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture

What a picture, what a photograph

There she was, with a big Hussar

All caught up in 'er oh-la-la

Clap 'ands, stamp yer feet, Ye-e-a-y!

Bangin' on the big bass drum

What a picture, what a picture

Um-tiddly-um-pum-um-pum-pum

Stick it in your fam'ly album

Stick it in your fam'ly

Stick it in your fam'ly

In your fam'ly album!