Don't Put Your Daughters on the Stage

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington

Don't put your daughter on the stage

The profession is overcrowded and the struggle's pretty tough

And admitting the fact she's burning to act, it's really not enough

She has nice hands, to give the wretched girl her due

But don't you think her bust is too developed for her age?

I repeat, Mrs. Worthington, sweet Mrs. Worthington

Don't put your daughter on the stage

Regarding yours dear Mrs. Worthington

Of Wednesday the twenty-third

Although your baby may be keen on a stage career

How can I make it clear that this is not a good idea?

For her to hope, dear Mrs. Worthington

Is, on the face of it, absurd

Her personality is not in reality

Inviting enough, exciting enough for this particular sphere?

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington

Don't put your daughter on the stage

She's a bit of an ugly duckling, you must honestly confess

And the width of her seat would surely defeat

Her chances of success

She's a loud voice, and though it's not exactly flat

She'll need a little more than that to earn a living wage

On my knees, Mrs. Worthington, please, Mrs. Worthington

Don't put your daughter on the stage

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington

Don't put your daughter on the stage

Though they said at the school of acting she was lovely as Peer Gynt

I'm afraid on the whole an ingénue role would emphasise her squint

She's a big girl, and though her teeth are fairly good

She's not the type I ever would be eager to engage

No more buts, Mrs. Worthington, nuts, Mrs. Worthington

Don't put your daughter on the stage

Or your son

Don't put your daughter on the stage